Gavin has been angry lately.
Like, WHOA-angry.
He is hurtful to his brother, he is rude to Sean and I.
Even to Nola he has become mean spirited, often times telling her to "Stop being a baby." when she is in moments of distress.
Now, I know as well as the next Mama-of-an-Aspie that this is normal Aspie behavior. I know that their will be times where he will be anxious and/or angry, he will never hold eye contact as much or as well as 'society' thinks he should, he will fixate, he will be smarter than I am, he will think I am being serious when I jokingly say "Gavin, you stink! Shower Time!" (I learned 4 years ago, that to him---That Shiz ain't funny to him! So, long gone are the 'stink' jokes in this house.), he will have issues with trying new things, and changes in routine are DEVASTATING!
I know all this.
I read the books too.
But although I know all of these things, at what point do you allow him to behave the way he 'needs' to simply because he cannot help it anymore than you or I can help that we need air....and at what point do we need to step in and teach him to suppress some of these behaviors, so he can succeed in having and maintaining relationships and friendships outside of our family unit? Surely I am aware that we 'put up' with WAYYYYY more than his peers would, because we are family. Friends get to CHOOSE each other. And how many of you want to have a friend who is always putting you down and making you feel small, when they are frustrated? I know I sure don't. But I see Gavin through unconditional eyes. I see perfection. I see struggle. I see a 4 year old eating an ice cream cone. I see hard work. I see his first steps onto a school bus. He is my son.
But, alas....He will not be the son of his teachers. Or of his first boss, or of the first girl he asks out. And I will not be able to De-brief the first Police Office to ever pull him over, I will not be able to run into his college dorm before he arrives and guide his roommate on Gavin's idiosyncrasies, and sometimes bad habits. I may not be there for his first REAL heart-breaking rejection, wherever that may be.
He needs to learn to fly on his own. And it's our job to teach him to spread his wings. But... Lord help me... where do I draw the line? I certainly don't expect him to not be himself, and the reality is that Gavin will be socially inappropriate at times for all of his days. He will be awkward, AND he will be brilliant. He will have anxiety, AND he will thrive. He will struggle with creativity, and he will FLOURISH with facts. This is my son.
I am not a perfect Mama.
He has good days and bad days, just like you and I. Some days he gets told "no" more than a 'normal' day. Some days I feel repentance for a previous day of scolding, and I let a little more poor behavior slide than I think I should. I cannot help but to feel like he carries the weight of the World on his shoulders. My Gavin spends all day on the bus and in school striving to achieve the goals set before him::: Sit still, be quiet, pay attention, look over here, get in line, stay focused, read this, solve that, share with so-and-so, stop fidgeting, clean your desk, play in groups, wash your hands, it's not your turn to talk, pack up,get back in line, wait your turn, get on the bus, sit quietly....etc.
He is living in a World that just wasn't structured for him. He doesn't want to sit, he wants to get up and touch what you're talking about, he wants to FEEL it and SEE it and THEN solve the problem. He wants to know how it works and he wants to examine it. He doesn't like your question....he has his own to ask. He didn't give the "right" answer, because his is Better! He doesn't want to draw a flower in art class....flowers don't matter to him. He wants to draw an exact duplicate of a scene in Bayblade that he has on TV last night while he was eating an ice pop. He can tell you what characters were there, what they said ((And explain the back story so you are well informed and you understand why this show is just simply the coolest thing since sliced bread)). He doesn't want to walk in a straight line, he wants to criss-cross the hallway. He wants to take his time getting there, whats the rush? He wants to feel the walls with his finger tips as he makes his way to YOUR destination. He wants to look at the art work on the walls that you put there, that his fellow school mates have made. He wants to EXPERIENCE his day, not to be ordered through it.
So, when he walks through the door after his long day tense as a ball of rubber bands, and angrily tells Holden to "KNOCK IT OFF! I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT"-----and I yell........ What am I telling him? 'Gavin, You can NEVER be yourself. Not even at home' ?????????? or , 'Gavin, you just need to suppress EVERY single involuntary impulse you have. Every SINGLE thing that gives you some sort of relief in a World where you try so-so-so-so hard to fit in for hours and hours a day' or "I don't care how angry you are that you feel alone most of the time. I don't care that you can't explain to me what you're feeling, so instead you use anger to try and SHOW me....I just don't care." Because most days.....that's what I feel like I am doing.
((DAMMIT!))
If he wants to come home like a whirling tornado of anger and energy....doesn't he deserve at least that after 8+ hours of stifling his impulses!?
((DAMMIT!))
I cannot fathom the emotions that I ,myself, may have if I were forced to conform to rules and routines and rigidity for HOURS a day, if all the while I were fighting an internal battle that told me to do the opposite.
I'm pretty damn sure if I were forced to do that, that once I walked through the threshold of my home....the threshold of my safe Haven....I may crack just a little. I may waiver. I may allow myself a few moments of being myself and of being frustrated. I may yell. I may be hurtful. I may handle it the only way I know how. I may NEED that.
URGGHHHH!
I could scream at how unfair Asperger's is sometimes!!!!!
I send him to his room for poor behavior, mostly towards his siblings. This is an 'acceptable' consequence, yes?
And as he sits in his room and sometimes cries.....I stand outside his closed door. Recently he has begun to talk to himself in these moments. (Something I remember doing as a pre-teen/teenager). He will say how unfair it is, or how mad he is, or how Holden was wrong and HE should be the one in trouble. The worst though....is when he just sits by himself and his thoughts become words, and those words become daggers to my ears. "Why can't I be normal", was the hardest one that my door-pressed-ears have heard..... I sneaked off to the bathroom, and I cry too.
I feel as though it is my job to guide him into finding the delicate give-and-take that life throws at us.
Ex- We can have friendship, and friendship requires honesty, but...we cannot tell our friends "I hate you" and expect them to still be our friend.
How can you explain that to an Aspie kid properly?
"Well, why can't I sometimes say that? If I'm feeling it at that time, and if you said to be honest, and you are always say that i should try harder to express my feelings...then why can't I say that?"
*sigh*
No denying he's got me there.
I have not yet figured out the right answer of balance to give to him.
Maybe I never will.
That terrifies me.
I strive to be the best Mama for him, I strive to be everything he needs from me. I know in my arms he is comforted. I know in my heart, I hold him too.
For now, we trudge on.
Each day brings new situations, ones that I need to deal with for the first time
We have accomplishments.
We make mistakes.
But I guess the fact that I have this blog, and that My Family 'Gets It' in regard to Gavin.... stands for something? We aren't simply sweeping his needs under the rug, or acting as though we expect "normal perfection' from him. We expect Gavin, from Gavin. We always have. We just need to go down the path to give him any and all of the tools he will need to thrive in society one non-judgmental step at a time.
I wonder when the day will come, when he realizes that he has taught me more than I could ever teach him......
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| Photo by::: The ((Soon to be)) Ardent Lens/ Photographer- Heather Purcell |
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